Dreaming Eden

I limit my interest in science fiction to the classics of the genre. I am strongly convinced that anything outside of the classic sense is a dump of mind-boggling ideas which account for fictional, but do little with science. Most of the authors fail to find the balance between comprehensive and comprehendible, turning their imaginative worlds into something hard to imagine.

Harry Harrison made a great contribution to the intellectual science fiction. His books are paradigms of how to balance imagination with realism. His captivating Eden series is a product of profound research and incredible creativity.

His Eden series deserve special attention as they extend our limited outlook. In our ignorance, we are quick to limit the extents of possible to what is natural for us. Whereas Harrison provides an alternative vision of the world; it helps to reassess human role on the planet. Unlike other sloppy sci-fi books, Eden carries wisdom.

Pretension to freedom

No matter where we go, the epitomes of hypocrisy seem to be surrounding us nonetheless. This afternoon I witnessed an occurrence that entrenched my belief that freedom is a matter of double standards, especially in a country like Ukraine.

I was approaching the central square, when my attention was caught by a squad of some 100 young people “besieging” the statue of Lenin. You do not often get to see that many youngsters dressed “casual underground” chilling next to the headman of the world proletariat. Despite my disregard of people with no priorities in life, I had nothing against these people enjoying themselves on this warm spring day in the downtown area. There were no signs of public disorder, unless causing curiosity is a public offense.

I was astonished when police approached the group instructing them to leave. I would take it easy were I in Belarus, where a gathering of over two people is a political rally. It certainly was not one (these people did not seem to be expressing or at least having some political stands). I wouldn’t even treat it as an unsanctioned demonstration – it looked flash mob more than anything else. Youngsters left, picking up all their trash, and looked really disappointed.

My question is whether these people would be granted more rights were they dressed differently? And why do stereotypes broaden or curtail the extents of freedoms? And can we build a sustainable democracy while applying heuristics to our routine decisions?

Chaos revisited

It’s been a while since the last update. Life has changed drastically. It demonstrated its profound unpredictability and fouled me once again. All the plans and prospects were ruined in a second, leaving me with little determination.

Yet another instance has proved that planning is a way of labeling things as “not ever to be implemented”. Making a plan is like putting up a huge sign saying “Do not bother!”

Planned things seem to be more chaotic than any chaos can get. Every time you try to bring things to some order, they fall apart and follow their natural instincts - order is just not a place where things in life belong. A plan is a form of curse – by making one you urge a failure. Every plan turns out to be a reverse version of a favorable scenario.

I did not like my job, and nothing kept me there. But once I quit, I have realized that life was planned at least half a year ahead. So now, I am working on creating a new plan (what an idiot!).

F23

Yesterday, the whole country felt nostalgic as the people celebrated the (Day of the) Defenders of the Fatherland. February 23 is the Soviet legacy designed to recognize all those who “defended” the country by serving in the army. It was planned as a military propaganda, but turned into an ‘International Men’s Day’. Naturally there had to be a counter-balance to the International Women’s Day (March 8), because men needed justification of the presents they were giving to women. So, as men usually do, they turned Feb 23 into a blackmailing tool, so that women were the first to give presents if they wanted anything in return on Mar 8.

This whole thing is really funny, especially in the context of Ukrainian realities. Not that many people are patriotic enough to die for the country, and so many young men (including me) try to avoid the draft, yet all the men become the Defenders of this country when it comes to Feb 23.

Post-depression

The best thing about having depressions is their resolutions, when life is illuminated with some positive episodes. Constant upbeat reduces the excitement of achievements in life, but post-depression experiences are exaggerated to an extent of unmanageable joy. The reminiscence of the misery amplifies the delight of the new heartening outbreaks.

Emotional breakdowns tend to slow the motion of life and things that would normally be ignored tend to receive much more attention than they deserve. Little nuances of life grow into major factors of disappointment, thus causing the will power to disappear. Then you just have to wait for something very positive to happen to empower you for cardinal action. Life smacks you, but instead of letting it smack you again, you beat the sh** out of that b****!

Unbearable lightness of … future

The whole media coverage of the global warming and its consequences is leading us some place wrong. Every time I hear an apocalypse scenario, I ask myself whether or not I should go and commit a suicide immediately, or wait for a few more years before my life is taken by a natural disaster? No arguments needed - the question is pathetic (though I make it sound sarcastic). On the other hand, the cynicism of the media does not urge me to go and take action. Every new story just reinforces the feeling of hopelessness and discourages any attempt to contribute towards the change.




Surely, we should hear and know about the anthropogenic damage to the planet. Yet we should be left with a feeling of guiltiness, not hopelessness. With every new report we should be sacrificing the habits that kill the planet. Every other story should force us to give up our luxuries. Yet we nod in unison, as to acknowledge the dusk of the civilization, and keep working on making this world an unlivable place for our grandchildren.

In my globalistics classes, I challenge my professor with my deep skepticism. The ideas of globalistics seem very subjective and lack justifications. Yet, one thing I came to realize while writing this is that globalistics believes in some resolution of the current critical state. There no answer to what the resolution should be, but at least dieing with hope is better than dieing despair.

I *heart* peace

You never expect it, yet it comes and intimidates you either you want it or not. It has a tendency of bugging you at the most inconvenient time. It falls under a category of “unwanted surprises”. It doesn’t care where you are and what you do; it simply waits till you encounter it. It forces you to do things against your will.

It was there in my mailbox waiting to ruin my day. Had I known what it was, I would throw it away, and claim that it did never reach me. Once the envelope was unsealed, I was summoned to appear at the military enlistment office on a given day at a given time.

One disadvantage of living in a pseudo-democratic country is the military draft. Though the parliament has passed a law designed to reform the army system, it still doesn’t apply to people of my age. It will only come into its full effect in 2010, when the army will transform into a contract-based service. Until then, I somehow have to escape the luck of wasting one year of my life “serving” the values I do not share.

Two major arguments against my going to the army are: 1. I do not believe in orders, and do not respect people who follow them blindly; 2. I am against any form of violence, or any action that implies violence. I do not think I want to enjoy the punishments for being able to analyze the level of stupidity of a given order. Not mentioning the dreadful conditions that soldiers live in.

Woe from wit

This one ingenious quote is often sufficient to provide a comprehensive analysis of certain political phenomena. It belongs to Griboyedov, renowned Russian classic with a fine sense of humor, who ridiculed officials of his era profoundly.

I subconsciously refer to this quote once a week, when I receive my news magazine and get a grasp of what claptrap our politicians were up to. This week was no exception; in fact, it was a major exception, as national interests and state property suffered no substantial damage. The government was too busy trying to persuade the people that utilizing Ukrainian pipeline system jointly with Russia will do much more good, whereas the opposition was blocking the parliament trying to prevent a strategic mistake – Gazprom should have no more control than it already has.

One of the columnists made a wonderful parallel with physics, and wrote that “the people are busy evaluating the performance coefficient of their votes”. I have no idea how efficient my vote was, but I am sure its performance coefficient is rather low :(

Merits of education

If anyone ever tells you that Economical Cybernetics is a fun degree to have, spit in that person's face (please!)

Just for the heck of it, I looked through all the courses I had to take to get my bachelor's degree. Well, I ended up with a list of 66 classes in a 4 year period. Fun, eh?

Here is that list:

Accounting
Audit
Basics of ecology
Business in computer networks
Business Ukrainian
Civil defense
Commercial law
Comparative religions
Cultural studies
Decision support systems
Discrete analysis
Distribution of production capacities and regional economy
Ecological law
Econometrics
Economic analysis
Economic history
Economical cybernetics
Economics of enterprise
Economics of labour
Economics of tourism
Environmental economics
European economy
Finances
Finances of enterprise
Forecasting of socio-economic processes
French
Globalistics
Higher mathematics
History of economic teachings
History of Ukraine
Imitational modeling
Informatics and IT
Information systems and technologies in economics
Insurance
Intellectual data analysis
International economy
Introduction to specialty
Investment
Logic
Macroeconomics
Management
Marketing
Mathematical programming
Methodology of scientific research
Microeconomics
Modeling of economy
Modeling of economy
Money and credit
Philosophy
Physical education
Political economy
Politology
Probability theory
Program shells and packages
Psychology and pedagogics
Research of operations
Safety of labor
Safety of vital activity
Science of law
Sociology
State regulation of economy
Statistics
Systems of economic information processing
Theory of economic risks
Theory of random processes
Urban economics

Cyberwhat?

It is a miracle! I have started attending my classes. And the worst about it is that I am actually enjoying going to school diligently, and working on my assignments (despite the fact that I feel stupid).

Many of my friends wondered what Economical Cybernetics is all about. Well, here is a list of classes I have to take this semester:
Decision support systems
Intellectual data analysis
Business in computer networks
Forecasting of socio-economic processes
Environmental economics
Discrete analysis
Modeling of economy
Auditing
Globalistics

Unfortunately, our education system is not as flexible as in many other countries. All the courses are mandatory, and this semester the ministry is being pretty easy on us. Usually there are over 10 courses per semester, so this is like heaven for us.

Literary thirst

It is too unfortunate that I do not own a copy of the Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs, otherwise it would have found its honorary place in my personal library. This book would certainly deserve to be referred to as funny if it were not for its gruesomeness. Burroughs did certainly master the art of coping with the memory of his own pathetic childhood by means of sarcasm. He should certainly be credited for his courage of exposing his deprived childhood of an abused kid in such a humorous manner. The moral is that the book is great, but I would not want to have lived Burroughs’ life at any given episode.

As I have finished reading it, I have realized that I ran out of books, so I had to choose something to reread. Out of all the books, I picked Crime and Punishment by Dostoyevskyy. After reading a few chapters, it no longer seems as a right choice – too heavy of a reading for a person working on his school papers. Classic’s archaic language is certainly not something I want to deal with after a few hours of in-depth systems analysis or Pareto decision making criteria.

My heart will go on

Life is not as bitchy as it pretends to be! I am just giving it more credit than it actually deserves… If you know how to read in between the lines, you should have read – MY DEPRESSION IS OVER.

The natural order of things has a strange aspiration for chaos. It always tends to yield to sporadic manifestations of mayhem. Patience is what it takes to put things back into their initial positions or effort – to relocate them so to attain a more favorable stance.

This time things just deflected to their regular track. Perhaps I have faced one of those exceptional instances when an effort is not enough to change things. Nevertheless, I am out of my somberness and can treat my job and my studies with a little more enthusiasm. I seem to be figuring out a way of ranging the alternatives and priorities of my life; and balancing my ambitions with my capabilities.

Flooding the eyes

I am suffering the worst hangover since IYLC. The birthday party last night came up as an opportunity to break the endless chain of thoughts generated by this busy working week I had. Sure enough this morning I have realized that not all the opportunities should always be pursued.

The idea of “flooding my eyes” last night was really stupid – I’ve acquired this kind of wisdom only this morning, when it was rather late to change anything. I so wish some smart people stopped the reckless youth from drinking so much last night, yet we seem to be growing in a democratic environment (parents do not seem to care)…

I wonder why in the world do smart people make stupid choices? And why alcohol always seems to be the right choice despite all empiric knowledge about the consequences? Rhetoric questions!

Well, I better go and get myself a beer before it is too late in the day. I do not want to waste another day of my short life.

When and why sh** happens

Why do all the miseries have to wait to come and wretch your life all at once? Or is it just all things seem miserable once you enter this cheerless mood? No matter what it is, here I am as down in the dumps as I can be. Things just seem to be not working out well for me these days.

Oftentimes I wish I was one of those careless people capable of not agonize after hurting someone’s feelings. I wish I could just say ‘no’ and move on without ever looking back.

I often wonder if moral values of mine do any favor to me? Or do they just stay on my way and hinder my achievements? Would it not be easier just to ignore the impractical virtues and values and pursue personal interests disregarding all the moral restraints? I guess it would, and yet the society and the natural order of things wouldn’t benefit. But who would care???

Workaholism

Starting today I am commencing a new life – no more job-related activity when I am home. Since my first day at this job I was working my ass off trying to implement all the “great” ideas and strategies I had on my mind. The position I took over in the company is new-found, so I have to develop things out from scratch. Preparation takes so much more time than actual work, and I was so anxious to start doing something fun, that I have spent hours of my free time working on various preps.

Now, when my job is rock-n-rolling me, I feel that I can not go any longer being so tired. I have realized that this is not leading anywhere good. Sure enough I am far ahead of what have been expected from me, yet this does not add any zeros to my paycheck. My work has obtained some shapes, and I am doing something substantial now, which means I do not really need to be spending too much of my free time. Instead I should be taking days off from the office, and working from home. You got my vow!

Loosing My Religion

Why would anyone care about my religious believes??? – That is the only question I had when I was filling out one of those endless employment forms. I did not mind sharing my blood type and my ID numbers, but religion was just too much…

It was never a secret to anyone that I am agnostic. I never made it clandestine. But, for God’s sake, I do not understand how my religious feelings can affect my ability to implement my responsibilities? Would my attitude differ was I of any particular religion? Or would my employers feel better if they knew I did not belong to any extremist sect (as if I would tell them if I did)… Very strange!

Mystification

In her last e-mail, Irina (my pen-pal I wrote about before) asked me a puzzling question: Who is a friend - is it someone you need, or someone who needs you? I really have no idea what a right answer would be or if there is an answer at all.

I referred to WikiQuotes to see what the holders of wisdom had to say and it gave me an impression that friendship has been deified to an extent that it lost its realness – it has become platonic and unreachable. It looks like the people of the great knowledge endowed friendship with some mystical sense, and wasted thoughts trying to demystify it. Why are we always looking for something more than what it is?

Irina’s question prompted me to think about my friends in terms of needs. It is peculiar how I can actually classify my friends according to their need of me or my need of them. Sounds rather mercantile and egoistic, but as long as it is honest such an exercise carries a practical value. At least it helps you to identify special friendships, find those people who need you as much as you need them.

Boycotting the Normal

Augusten Burroughs is my new star. His Running with Scissors is absolutely adorable. I came across a paragraph that matches exactly what I feel at certain times:

I told myself, All I want is a normal life. But was that true? I wasn’t so sure.
Because there was a part of me that enjoyed hating school, and the drama of not
going, the potential consequences whatever they were. I was intrigued by the
unknown. … Have I become addicted to crisis? I traced my finger along the
windowsill. Want something normal, want something normal, want something normal,
I told myself.

After reading this paragraph I came to realize that so many people around me think I am not normal. I do at times want to be normal, yet I have no idea what normal is. I totally understand that the category of normality is very subjective, but I feel that for many people normality equals to mainstream, something socially acceptable. There are so many underground things about me that if I started I would spent all of my life trying to change. The thing is, I do not want to waste my lifetime trying to be like others.

I realize that I choose to be different. I strive for individuality. Personality is not something to be dictated by the society, but rather something you decide to be. I guess one thing I would change is the perception of people. I do not want to appear weird to them, I want them to realize how and why I am different. I want to come up as shocking, not as a wacko.

The Stone Age marketing mix

One of my British friends taught me a great expression: Does it say bitch across my forehead? Unfortunately, I had a desire to use this phrase too many times over the past few days.

I got this new job that requires me to go door-knocking from store to store offering a product that they have no desire of dealing with. Honestly, I do not blame them… I would not want to handle all the paper work and headaches that this product brings along to their stores.

The problem is though in how I am being treated and the way the owners of these stores imply superiority over me, having no idea of who I am. Over the past two days at this new job, I came across so much rudeness and disrespect that it makes me wonder whether our society has ever left the Stone Age…

There is no doubt that our businesses are striving for free markets. Don’t get me wrong, they want their markets to be free of competition and reasonable profit margins, free of customer service and business ethics, free of regulations and basic laws of economics.

Well, if you ever make it to the point of starting a business in this country, you certainly deserve to put aside your I’m-being-nice mask and join the club of the careless.

Revenge and Forgiveness

Just finished watching one of the most thoughtful movies I have ever seen. This time it was The Interpreter with Nicole Kidman. The only word I can find to describe the movie is WOW!

The central idea of the movie is revenge vs. forgiveness. The central question is whether revenge to be considered courage and forgiveness to equal cowardice… An everlasting question that I have addressed myself with on multiple occasions.

One of the thoughts that I found to be amazing was the Ku wisdom. This Central African belief says that when you tie an enemy who hurt you to a tiny boat and let it sail till the person drowns, you have two choices. You either let the person die and spend the rest of your life mourning, or swim out and save your enemy – to admit that the life is not always just, to make a discovery that will help you dismiss your sorrow.

I have no knowledge of the Ku culture and people, yet this little wisdom wants me to be part of them. This approach is what I have been practicing all my life. I never let people drown, I was always there to give a hand – even to people who have hurt my feelings. Ability to forgive is a part of my personality. For better or for worse, I feel better when I know that I have stopped someone from drowning.

aMAZEd

Last night I stayed till 3 am trying to find out the resolution of Jeff Noon's Nymphomation. This book was highly suspense as well as two other Noon's books that I have read in the past. Both Vurt and Pollen were thrilling. I could not stop reading them because they were so confusing that I had to find out what this whole thing meant.

Noon is a master of creating new worlds and communicating them to his readers. He talks about things that are extremely difficult to comrehend, yet they seem very realistic. He involves the readers in alternative science, the knowledge of the future. It is really difficult to follow his chain of his thought, but that what makes his books page-turners.

Nymphomation is the new stage of human evolution, it is mathematics of love. Nymphomation is the basis for vurt and polonation. It is the first step towards the age of alternative realities and virtual worlds. Very confusing (read fascinating).

I was really impressed. I still feel that I did not understand a thing about Noon's world, but that is exactly what I am looking for in books. I hope that Noon's anti-Utopias will never become true, yet it would be very ingriguing to finally understand the mazes of his worlds.

A Sense of Humor (or Humorous Sense)

It's been months since my friend Mona asked me to speak to her students and share my US experiences. Mona is a Peace Corps volunteer based in a small village of Kolchugino, which perfectly matches the asceticism that Peace Corps are usually associated with. I was challenged with a task of talking to 6 different classes of students who rarely leave their village to go into the bigger city, for whom seeing a movie in a cinema is a subject for pride.

While talking to these students I felt awkward. For one, I felt sad because I was talking about things that most of them are most likely not experience in their lives. For two, I was ruining the Utopian vision of the US concluded from the numerous Hollywood movies that distort the American reality. I have tried to share what it feels to be a high school student in the US with all the fun that comes along.

Even though it was frustrating to repeat the same thing over and over again, I enjoyed the experience, as it made me think what makes our countries different. One thing that came to mind is the humor.

When I make a joke, I rarely think why this particular joke is funny in a certain environment. In Ukraine, most of the jokes are anecdotal, very situational. A good joke is the one making complete arses of main characters, who are usually archetypes. Unfortunately, often enough ethnicities and nationalities are turned into archetypes thus celebrating stereotypes about certain groups of people.

A man comes to the church and says:
- I have sinned, Reverend.
- What is your sin?
- I have cheated on a Jew.
- It is not a sin!
- What is it then?
- IT'S A MIRACLE!!!

I have noticed that in the US, most of humor is based on play of words. American jokes are witty. They require thinking. They employ the peculiarities of language to ridicule certain phenomena. More often than not jokes are meant to be sarcastic, and even scornful. The point is usually not on the surface, but has to be discovered.

- Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32?
- It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

I am really not sure what these differences may mean. They may indicate nothing. Or they may emphasize the cultural differences through humor as a product of folklore.

Picture: The only monument in the world dedicated to The Smile. It is situated in Lvov, Ukraine.

Where are you, wolves?

I have rediscovered him - Hamlet of the Golden Age of Russian poetry. He is a poet, a singer, an actor; he died painfully. He is Vladimir Vysotsky, whose voice whirls your mind and feelings, makes your heart tremble. He is an immortal genious, whose word inspires and depresses, whose image charms and causes pain.


He wrote over 300 poems and songs, yet my favorite is Capricious Horses:

Along the brim line of a precipice, right by the very edge-stone
With a whip to drive my horses I do lash them, I do urge on...
Drink the wind, the fog I swallow, ’cause I feel a lack for breathing, -
Smelling raptures with the horror: getting missing, I’m getting missing!

Little slower, my horses, little slow, I say!
Don’t hear the tough lash’s hit!
But somewhat true is about my horses that capricious are they,
No time left to live and to sing in complete.

I’ll finish my song, I’ll give horses to drink -
Just a moment as longer I’ll stand on the brink...

I’ll be gone, the hurricane will sweep me out like a down,
On the morning snow sledging at a gallop shan’t I drive them, -
Change your pace to one unhurried, oh my horses, slow down,
Please, prolong my way a little to the terminal asylum!

Little slower, my horses, little slow, I say!
Can’t they order, a lash and a whip.
But somewhat true is about my horses that capricious are they,
No time left to live and to sing in complete.

I’ll finish my song, I’ll give horses to drink -
Just a moment as longer I’ll stand on the brink...

Done in time it: there may be no delay to see God’s palace, -
Why are the angels singing there with one voice in such a malice ?!
Whether this is just a small bell in hysterics and a sob all,
Or when shouting at horses it’s my trying them to stop call?!

Little slower, my horses, little slow, I say!
Could you lower your racing a bit!
But somewhat true is about my horses that capricious are they,
No time left to live, if only sing in complete!

I’ll finish my song,
I’ll give horses to drink
Just a moment as longer I’ll stand on the brink.

The Betrayal

Finally done! I have been trying to finish this book for two months, but had virtually no time. The Lords of Discipline by Pat Conroy is officially in the 'read and liked' section of my library. This book was just great.

Pat Conroy took me back to my school years and reminded me about the good, the bad and the ugly of my strange days in the all-boys boarding school that I have attended. While reading, I made certain parallels, and found numerous similarities. It wasn't a military school, yet it had its own unwritten code of honor, system of subordinance and discipline. It wasn't as harsh or crude, yet it hold everyone to high moral (and physical) standards.

One part of the book that really touched me was the honor violation committed by Pig, when he was caught trying to siphon gasoline from his friend's car. The consequences he faced and the way he was disgraced were troubling - he was expelled from the school, and has become the one, whose name was not to be spoken ever again.

The abuse of trust is something that I was always afraid of. In friendship, I long for mutual understanding and high level of trust. I hate being cheated on. To my regret, I have been betrayed and I was greatly hurt.

At some point in high school, we have started observing an increased number of money missing from our lockers. That was troubling and it was continuing for some time, before we decided to take some action. My tutor resorted to my help and using certain tricks, we have managed to find out who the 'rat' was. It was my good friend, who I forgave, and he was never aware of the fact that I knew. Our friendship continued, and I actually stopped thinking about the past accident, when a stealing happened again - he stole from another friend of ours just before both of them came to visit my house. When we were back to school, I was really mad, and I never talked to the guy again. What he did was pitiful and pathetic, and I did not respect myself for giving this person a second chance.

Since then I have become more cautious with who I make friends with, yet I can never be sure. This guy never stole a penny from me, but he did from every other classmate of ours. This lesson was useful, but it had a very painful price.

Picture: (c) Ashley 'Ariarnith Silver Flame' Mutek (http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/art/a/s/ashleym/betrayal.jpg.html)

The Facebook and The Exhibitionism

I have a pen pal of 40+, who often challenges my view of the contemporary world. In our correspondence, she once mentioned that the way I post pictures online seems voyeur to her. I gave this idea a thought, and have realized that indeed most of my activity online is rather scopophilic. The way I live and make friends, forces me to utilize internet as a medium for communication with them, and the way I expose moments of my life are nothing but exhibitionist attempts to impose my personality.

In the contemporary world, voyeurism and exhibitionism have accepted new shapes, and mostly refer to exposure of personalities, rather than physical bodies.

The more you think about it, the more pathetic it seems. The facebook seems to be an ideal tool for contemporary scopophilia. Sometimes I feel really naked posting my pictures, and sharing things that I should keep private. But the more you share, the more addicted you become. You loose touch with the sense of real friendship, making it more virtual. Subliminally you act voyeur, when browsing through the profiles of your friends, and act exhibitionist when trying to display yourself for everyone to see who you are...

Even at this very moment, writing this blog, I am exposing my ideas, which otherwise would have found their place in my journal. Yet I voluntarily choose to make them public. I am being exhibitionist?

Skating on Thin Ice

My sister never ice skated, but really wanted to try. Today, I gifted her the experience of I-am-determined-and-I-don't-care-about-bruises.

While watching her learning to skate, I thought of an interesting allegory. Skating is a lot like any other new experience in our lives...

Any novelty is preceded with a bit of anxiety and excitement, and some fear of something unknown. Once you make your first step on the rink, you realize that you have no idea what to do, and you are about to fall. You grab whatever or whoever is there by you, so to gain some support. You keep falling and rising. At some point you either loose your determination and quit, or bring together all your will power and make another effort. You reach that breaking point between I-don't-know and I-know. You start skating short distances at a time, until you gain more confidence. One day you realize that you know how to do it, and it is a piece of cake...

But the ice is unpredictable. Your skills might betray you unexpectedly when you hit a bump. You might fall and raise to look back and see what caused your failure. That bump taught you a lesson and you try to avoid it every time you make a new circle.

You progress. You learn how to make new tricks. You learn to jump. You feel really confident, but you are never sure if the ice you are scratching is not going to ruin your life.